


The Art of Displacement

by Missy



Category: Army of Darkness (1992), Evil Dead (Movies), Evil Dead - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Historical Inaccuracy, Humor, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2013-12-27
Packaged: 2018-01-06 07:53:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1104320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash’s guide for the temporally displaced.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Displacement

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Trope Bingo, Prompt: Time Travel.

Landing upside-down is the worst experience – will always be the worst experience. And as far as Ash is concerned there’s no worse way to travel than ass-backward and upside down, spinning in circles and screaming, your legs and arms flailing and taken in the pain-giving wind.

Then there were the spots, the dizziness, the general nausea and the sense that he had desperately, completely and hopelessly screwed the pooch. 

Which, in case you stepped out for a smoke break, you already know is the story of Ash’s short and so-far miserable life.

The question is always myriad by the time he lifts his head; can I come back from this? Is it safe to use my real name? Why did I have egg salad for lunch? Who thought the struts on a ’56 Plymouth could outlast crushing a fleet of Pilgrims into mashed meat?

Ash has learned how to hang on through all of the various changes which plague his life. And how to adapt to different lifestyles and time periods, even though he’d flunked world history as a teenager back in Dearborn. 

His technique was flawless in its accuracy but it mostly involved stong-arming his way into the center of the scene and then behaving as if he knew how to solve all of their problems. Then he blew up demons in the most inventive ways possible.

Once he fashioned a bunch of dynamite out of cooking fat and blew up an entire infantry line with a torch.

He’d also learned what not to do. The main key was to avoid drinking the local water – he’d learned that one the hard way. Also, inserting yourself into the local color – literally – should be done sparingly, if at all. And you shouldn’t tell Elizabethan Englishmen that in a hundred years a bunch of Protestant jerks were going to make the most kick-ass country in the world and would eventually bust them down to inbred jerkwater paper leaders.

On yet another hand, making out with Queen Elizabeth and kicking Sir Walter Raleigh in the teeth made each and every problem Ash ran into seem well worth the hassle. He was even knighted by her.

And by her father. And by Queen Victoria, though she’d never really defrosted toward him.

The other fun thing about parallel time periods was that it was quite easy to undo all of your mistakes, if you go far enough back. There were probably some cavemen babies with Ash’s eyes, but at least he’ll never have to pay child support. Then again, he could make that ‘were’ a temporal thing; erase existences if he needed to. He was the most powerful and yet the most helpless God in the history of the universe. That’s why time-travel is awesome; it was like a gigantic bottle of white-out. 

He’d taken to walking around Housewares with extra ammo, trail mix, and Twinkies in his pocket. These were the ultimate road foods. Just in case the north wind blows. Just in case he finds himself where he doesn’t belong. Just in case he finds himself arguing with a dinosaur again.

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction uses characters from **The Evil Dead Trilogy/Army of Darkness** , all of whom are the property of the **Rosebud Releasing/Renaissance Pictures/Universal Studios**. No money was gained from the writing of this fanfiction and all are used under the strictures of of the Berne Convention.


End file.
